Aftermath - Oblivion

            Ben kept close to Eli that night, keeping him as near as he could at all times. Eli still looked as if he had been crying by the time they went to bed. He smoothed his hair back in the bathroom and kissed him, handing him a gravol to take. Eli leaned into him with a quiet whine, swallowing the little pill. He let Ben help him into pajamas and he tumbled into bed, tangling himself up in Ben’s embrace.

            Ben felt his restless squirming all night. He mumbled in his sleep. Ben didn’t wake, only tugged him closer, ran soothing hands down his back and his butt and continued his soft snoring.

            Around three, Eli couldn’t sleep any longer. He got up, disentangled himself from Ben very carefully and wandered to the bathroom. He glared at himself in the mirror, yawning and padded out into the hallway.

            Ben found him in the morning, asleep over his journal in the office. He smoothed his hair and then lifted him into his arms when Eli didn’t stir. He took him back upstairs to their bed and Eli shifted easily into the bed. Ben covered him up and let him sleep.

            He went to put the journal away but as always ended up opening it to read what Eli had written. There were some entries he still hadn’t read, because Eli had asked him not to and he wouldn’t go against Eli’s wishes. He was a little surprised Eli still wrote in his – he had hated it so much when Ben had instated in. But there were entries intermittently all the way up to March and then they stopped and continued in an intermittent fashion in June.

            He sighed, reading the first line. I wish I wasn’t so dumb.

            He frowned, but kept reading.

            Ben was so scared. I can’t believe I took /Keiran/ seriously. Nothing that comes out of that man’s mouth is ever /logical/, let alone believable. But I never think things through, so with his mouth and my mind, we don’t ever get very far except deep into shit with Ben and Lee.

Thing is, I don’t even hate him for it. I mean, yeah I’m pissed. That he said it and that I believed him. But he’s just Keiran. He’s stupid and he’s annoying but he’s my friend and I was the one who took it too far. I think Ben knows that.

I want Ben to punish me. How do I manage to break his nose TWICE in six months? Like, really? He was already self-conscious about it. My poor Ben; people are gonna wonder if I beat him or something. Fuck. He didn’t deserve that.

I hope Ben spanks me. No, paddles me. Especially for hurting him, physically and emotionally. But also for hitting Keiran and for yelling at Lee and for running away, which I KNOW I’m not supposed to do but it always seems like the most logical thing to do when my mind is out of whack and Ben’s got that look in his eyes. Like ‘why are you doing this to me?’ I don’t know why, Ben. I don’t. And I know that must drive him fucking nuts, not knowing. And I fucking do it ALL the time too. I lock the bathroom doors. I hide somewhere. I run away if I get scared. It must drive him insane. I hate those looks he gets. The ‘why are you doing this to me?’ and the ‘I don’t understand’ and ‘I’m-scared-but-I’m-gonna-try-and-hide-it-cause-I’m-not-allowed-to-be-scared’ looks. He doesn’t know he gets them but its written all over his face and I always feel ten times WORSE when I see him ‘cause I KNOW I’ve done bad and he must hate me but he never ever does. Never. He always just takes it and he always lets me go to him afterwards. I bet Lee doesn’t let Keiran come to him. That must be scary. Poor Keiran.

I hope Ben knows that I need to be punished. Lee would probably cane me. Or belt me. Or maybe both. Ben should. He SHOULD but he won’t. I don’t think I can handle it. I’d probably end up running away again.

Do you think he’ll punish me? He said tomorrow, which is technically today. But maybe his nose hurts too much. Or maybe he’s forgotten. Or thinks I don’t deserve one. Should I tell him? Or will he think I’m dictating to him? Maybe he’ll just wake me up, turn me over his knee and spank me into oblivion.

I think that’s what I need.

I love him.

I wonder if he knows.

Ben sighed and set the journal down. He hadn’t forgotten. He’d practically dreamt about it all night. Okay, maybe that was a little much. But he certainly had not forgotten about it. He had already decided on the hairbrush and lines – the paddle was bigger, though, and distributed the pain to a larger area but with less effect. The hairbrush was a stinging pain, a quick, biting pain that ended up lasting quite a while. And he wanted Eli to have the reminder that he belonged to Ben and nobody else and nothing was gonna change that.

But he would definitely take Eli’s cue and wake him up and spank him into oblivion. He put the journal away and moved back to the stairs.

Eli shifted closer when he felt Ben’s weight on the bed. Ben shook him awake. “Morning, Eli. Its time to get up; we’ve got some things to discuss.”

Eli shivered at the sight of the hairbrush and shook his head, automatically covering his butt. Ben patted his knee though and Eli moved over his lap with a nod, knowing he needed this, he deserved this. Ben wasted no time, tugging his pajamas and boxers down over his butt and pushing his shirt up to expose Eli’s white upturned butt.

Eli wriggled nervously. Ben ran his thumb up his spine, sighing softly.

“Eli, tell me why I’m punishing you,” he said, still tracing his spine. Eli nodded, hands tightening in the sheets as he lowered his face to the mattress.

“’Cause I hit Keiran and didn’t listen to Lee. And I b-broke your nose, Ben! And…and I ran away from you. And I took the ring off and actually believed Keiran…”

Ben nodded. “Because you didn’t /think/,” he told him. “And because I want you to know that nobody is /ever/ going to touch you like I do and I will never touch anyone the way I touch you, Eli. And this will be your reminder of that. You. Are. Mine. And mine alone. I don’t want anybody else. I want you. Make sure you remember that,” he urged before he landed the first swat.

Eli cried out a little. Ben was strong; it hurt! Ben spanked him fast and hard, and for a long time. Eli’s cries went from pained to miserable to completely distraught by the end and Ben recognized the shift and laid the hairbrush down. He rubbed Eli’s back soothingly but Eli pushed into his arms, pressing Ben down into the mattress with a sob. Ben hugged him tightly, rubbing his lower back.

“Ben, Ben, I’m all yours, only yours, and I know you would never cheat on me, Ben, I know that! I didn’t think and then I got scared and I kept not thinking and I’m /so/ sorry, Ben! I promise to think, I promise. I’ll think all the time, Ben! I’ll never stop thinking. You’ll have to /tell me/ to stop thinking. And then you’ll have to train my brain to actually stop! I’ll think about it all the time! Non-stop!”

Ben laughed softly, nodding faintly. He kissed his forehead, stroking his hands up and down his sides. “Shh, baby.”

Eli made a face and snuggled into him, touching his nose. “I’m /so/ /so/ /so/ sorry,” he whispered, leaning up to kiss his jaw. Ben smiled at him, sighing as he turned Eli under him. Eli let out a hiss but he appreciated the reminder. Ben kissed him thoroughly.

“Its over. You’re forgiven, Eli. We’re okay,” he promised.

Eli stroked his cheek, smiling faintly. “Ben, you love me.”

It wasn’t a question or a demand; it was a statement, plain and simple. Ben responded with a kiss and Eli moaned, wriggling underneath him. He nuzzled his hair and cuddled into him, closing his eyes. Ben stroked his side.

“Eli, I love you.”

Eli nodded, flushing. He murmured a quiet “yours” before he slipped into oblivion.