Undeserving

Daniel was getting used to the hospital visits as they progressed but he could tell that Ben wasn’t. His brother tried to put on a brave face, Dan knew, but he could still tell that he was afraid. The equipment, the nurses and the sterility—it was something he knew the older man wouldn’t get used to. Ben could try and hide it, but Dan could see how he paled at the sight of the needles and his hands shook as he held the pail for him. 

It was always the same; he felt like he was living in the hospital. He had chemotherapy days 1, 8, 15, 16 and 22 of the 28-day cycle where he received the Stanford V treatment intravenously accompanied by radiation every week, Monday through Friday. He was expected to take one little white prednisone pill every day, as well, to help quell the side effects of the treatments he received. Not that it did much.

Ben had easily adjusted to accompanying Daniel to his appointments on his lunch hour. He always packed a lunch but was never able to eat it once he arrived at the hospital, his stomach too jittery. Daniel skipped lunch most days, too, simply because the treatment was extensive enough to make him lose his breakfast every time. And he was only three weeks into his first cycle, now—day 22. At the minimum, he had two cycles to complete after this first one was through.

Dan settled on the bed, easily offering his hand for the nurse and Ben looked away, clutching the bucket to his chest. Daniel touched his knee gently when he saw Ben close his eyes and he smiled faintly, scooting closer to him when the IV was in—Vincristine and Blenoxane this time, then radiation after. The nurse left, giving Daniel the same instructions she always did—to call if he needed anything and in the meantime to sit tight.

He nodded obediently and Ben looked at him with a frown before Daniel snuggled close, legs crossed under him, leaning against the older man. “Wanna bet how long it takes?” Daniel teased, motioning to the bucket in Ben’s hands, and Ben made a face, shaking his head.

Daniel laughed softly, muttering something about Ben being a chicken before he groaned, his stomach turning, and he had to reach for the bucket, retching. Ben sighed softly, rubbing his back as he held the pail for him, murmuring nonsense words as the chemo worked its magic and Daniel up-chucked his early breakfast.

When the man finally settled back, Ben shifted back to rest against the flimsy headboard, tugging Dan between his legs. Daniel turned on his side and clutched at a fistful of his shirt, moaning pitifully. The IV needle in his hand made Ben blanch slightly, but he closed his eyes and hummed, smoothing the man’s hair.

Daniel sighed, shifting against Ben slightly. He closed his eyes, yawning; he was /so/ tired and so tired of being tired and he wasn’t even halfway through his treatment yet. Ben felt his brother’s hand tighten momentarily against his shirt and he threaded his fingers through his hair calmingly.

“Mom called me yesterday, Danny. She said she would come by tomorrow, if you were up to it, after I bring you back from treatment. And she told me to tell you to call her back. She said she left six messages on your machine,” he chastised. Daniel nodded, shrugging slightly, only half-listening to his brother. Ben sighed.

“Daniel. Pay attention, please,” he said, command in his voice. Daniel looked up at him, pouting, and Ben hugged him tightly. “Come on, quit moping, Danny. You need to call her back; she’s worried about you. She said you haven’t seen them since Christmas, so you’re going to call her when you get home after this.”

Daniel pouted, pinching Ben’s arm as he pressed back against him. “No, I’m not. Just ‘cause you say I’m gonna doesn’t mean I’m gonna, Ben. Fuck that,” he whined. Ben resisted the urge to swat him, forgetting for a moment that this was his brother and not Eli—though he certainly did feel he could use a sound swatting—and he pinched him back instead.

“Don’t swear at me, Daniel. And yes, you are going to. That’s the end of it. I’ll call her if I have to and hand you the phone, but you’re going to talk to her. Maybe you can ask her to take you to the first appointment of your next cycle. I have a client presentation that morning and I won’t be able to take you,” he told him.

Daniel’s head shot up. “Bennn,” he whined, pouting. “Ben, you said you’d always take me!” he said. “You lied to me! You said you’d take me to all my appointments and you wouldn’t make me go alone, you lied!” he accused, sobbing. Ben shifted forward to grab the pail just in time as Daniel retched dramatically.

Ben tugged him back when he had finished and he hooked his arm around his waist. “Come on now, hush. I’m not gonna miss any more if I can help it, Dan, but I really can’t take you that day. This client is huge, and I haven’t been back at work long enough since the accident to ask for the time off.”

Daniel settled back, huffily, crossing his arms as he leaned against Ben’s chest. The nurse came in to check that everything was going well and to inform him that it was almost over before he had to be taken down to radiation, and Ben thanked her as she left.

“Ben, how am I supposed to get here alone?” he whined once the nurse had left, and Ben rubbed his back calmingly. “Well, ask mom,” he said. “She’d bring you here and take you home afterwards and probably stay for supper,” he said, grinning. Dan shook his head.

“I don’t want her to take me, Ben. She’ll be all mother-y and weird and I don’t know…you’re not like that. I like having you here with me. You’re not all…worried and afraid I’m gonna /die/. Its what she thinks, you know. I don’t wanna talk to her, ‘cause she’ll just be disappointed and upset.”

Ben sighed softly, thinking. “Well, what about Eli? He might be able to take you that day. I’ll ask him, anyways, if you want. It's either Eli or mom, really, since dad’ll be working and hardly ever takes lunch off.”

Dan groaned. “Not dad, no,” he said, shaking his head. Ben resisted the urge to poke him and tease him for being a mama’s boy. “So, Eli it is, then? Or you’ll have to get here on your own and I don’t think you should try that. Not getting home on your own, anyways.”

Dan nodded. The nurse came in and checked the IV drip, motioning for Daniel to sit up. He shifted away from Ben and offered his hand to have the needle removed. He caught Ben’s hand when he heard his brother’s intake of breath and he smiled at him encouragingly.

“Okay. Ask Eli, then. And if he doesn’t want to take me, I’ll go alone,” he said with finality, and Ben gave in, nodding. He’d convince Eli to take him; how could his lover say no?

The nurse assured Ben that Dan would be brought back in one piece and then wheeled him out to take him down to radiation, and Ben shifted off the bed and went to wait in the waiting room for his brother’s session to end.

…

            “No. No fuckin’ way, Ben. He /hates/ me. And don’t say hate is too strong a word, because I’m fairly certain he loathes my very existence. Do you remember what he said to me at Christmas? When he /did/ deign to speak with me?”

            Ben looked at him exasperatedly. “Eli, please—” he started, but Eli waved a dramatic hand and cut him off.

            “No, Ben. He said I was—and I quote—‘the biggest sissy on the face of the earth,’ that I had a ‘fat ass that’s only good for fucking’ and that he wondered why my parents let me live when I so obviously am as ‘fucking nuts as I am’. Not exactly someone I want to be hanging out with for an hour and a bit, thanks. He can go on his own.”

            Ben had already heard multiple times what his brother had said to him at Christmas—and he decided not to remind his lover that Dan had only said those things after Eli had continued to bring up the fact that Daniel was /alone/ and would be living in his parents’ basement /if/ he survived whatever it was God had decided to give him as punishment for him being such an /ass/ to Ben.

 When Dan had started in on Eli, that was when he’d jumped him and the two had tussled in the hallway while Mrs. Stone had been cooking and Jack had been tidying up from opening presents. Ben had heard the fight and gone to investigate, only to find Eli on top of his brother on the upstairs landing, Dan with a fistful of Eli’s hair, Eli with his legs tangled in Dan’s, pinning him there as he tried to land punches on Dan’s face and chest.

Ben had hauled Eli off, swatting his butt hard without thinking and Eli had pulled away, hissing at him and kicking Dan, who was just beginning to get up. “Fuck you, too, asshole,” Dan whimpered, standing.

“Shut the fuck up, Daniel! You don’t know /anything/, you stupid ass!” he screeched and Ben caught Eli’s arm and hooked him back behind him as Dan limped back away from him. He’d very quickly gotten the situation under control, though it had been a massive mood-killer for the rest of the night, and everything had gotten worse after that.

Dan had refused to speak with either of the men, had hidden with his mother and when Ben had forced Eli to apologize, Dan had only muttered that he wasn’t going to accept an apology from some ‘crazy fucking fag’ and Eli had punched him again before he stalked out of the house.

But Ben didn’t feel the need to bring that all back up again. Eli had already been spanked for it and he had written a lengthy apology to Daniel that his brother had replied to and Ben had been fairly certain that had been the end of it. Obviously not.

“Okay, Eli. I realize you’re still upset about that, but Daniel cannot go alone to this appointment. It’s the start of the cycle; he’ll have gone almost ten days without any chemo and, even if he got himself /there/, he’s going to be too sick to get back on his own. I really can’t miss this presentation, Eli, and he doesn’t want my parents to take him. Can you /please/ just do this for me? Once, that’s all I ask. It’s only a little over an hour, all you have to do is drive him there and back. He’s not going to expect much from you but that. Please?”

Eli sighed dramatically. “Fine, Ben, but you owe me for this. If he starts /anything/, I’m leaving him there and I don’t give a flying fuck how far into the session he is or how fucking sick he feels. If he says /one damn thing/ about me being fat, crazy, too feminine; if he calls me a fag, insane or your boy toy, I will /not/ tolerate it. I will drop his ass /so hard/, next time you see him, he won’t just be dying of cancer, he’ll be in a full fucking body cast. Okay?”

Ben’s eyes widened and he laughed a little bit. “Language, please, Eli. And I’ll be sure to warn him. Thank you, Eli. I mean it. He’s not going to be a pain or anything; he’ll be perfectly well behaved. I promise,” he said. Eli scowled but he wanted Ben to be happy with him.

“So, Monday at 11:45? And we’ll be done by 1?” Ben nodded. “Fine. Tell him I’ll be there by 11:30, then. He had better be ready; I am not going to baby him along.” Ben nodded again, grabbing the phone to call his brother.

Eli walked away muttering.

…

            Dan was ready by 11:15. When Eli arrived, he followed him out to the car—Ben had reinstated his driving privileges for the day, when he realized it would be easier to have the car ready when Dan was done the session instead of having to wait for a cab. Ben had packed a bag of things to bring, though Eli didn’t understand why he’d need a blanket, juice boxes, water and the little bag of crackers he had in the backseat.

            They were civil to each other, Dan thanking Eli for taking him and Eli commenting about the weather. Dan knew what to do when they got there and Eli ended up just following him as he registered. Eli carried the bag, following him into the elevator. When the nurse met them upstairs, Eli let Dan go for prep and he sat in one of the chairs, kicking his feet as he looked around. Dan settled on the bed with a sigh, watching the floor as the nurse prepped him.

            “Your brother didn’t come in with you today, Danny-baby?” she asked and Dan sat back, shaking his head a little. “He had to work. Eli came with me instead,” he said, pointing at Eli in the chair. She smiled at him and Eli forced a smile back, watching her insert the IV needle with a disgusted frown.

            “You want me to stay with you today, kiddo?” she asked, and Eli almost hoped she would so that he wouldn’t have to be there, but Dan shook his head and the nurse tousled his hair and left.

            Dan was sitting at the edge of the bed and Eli stopped kicking his legs when he realized the man was watching him. He frowned a little bit, noting the similarities between Ben and Dan; the same facial features, Ben’s nose—unbroken—on Dan’s face, his full lips, but it was their dark eyes that they really had in common. He saw Dan’s little twist of nervousness as the IV drip started and Eli moved his chair a little closer.

            Dan smiled, sincerely. “Hi,” he whispered and Eli smiled back, holding out his hand. “Hi.”

“I’m so sorry, Eli,” Dan said, very quietly. “About everything. Christmas, I mean. And before that. Everything. I’m sorry.” He shifted on the bed, and Eli nodded, squeezing his hand.

            “I think…no. I’m /scared/. Of doing this alone. Of being alone…and Ben’s always been there, no matter how stupid I am or how stupid I was, he was always there and he wouldn’t leave me and he didn’t care that I was such an ass…and…I was terrible to him, Eli. And everyone he’s ever been with…and you.” Eli watched him hang his head and he squeezed his hand again.

            “I haven’t been so great myself,” Eli said quietly.

            Dan nodded a little bit. When Eli looked up, he had tears in his eyes—Ben’s eyes—and his brow was furrowed. “I feel sick, Eli. I really don’t feel well,” he admitted, sounding very small, and Eli moved to grab the bucket that the nurse had left in easy reach in time to catch the vomit. Dan shuddered and tentatively moved against Eli, still clutching the bucket but no longer sick.

            Eli reached for a juice box before he settled on the bed, and he guided Dan back between his legs, setting the bucket on the swinging tray. Dan scooted back against his chest, accepting the juice box from him, sipping childishly.

            He felt a little flash of protectiveness and knew for a moment just a little of what Ben must feel—must have felt all his life. Dan was Eli’s age and there was just a little of that tortured soul in him that Eli knew Ben always felt he had to look out for. First Dan, then Eli. And he refused to give up on either one, no matter the crap he went through for them.

            Now he understood. Just a little. He felt Daniel shudder against him and he hugged him close. Dan settled, finishing his juice box and Eli set it with the pail. Daniel looked up at Eli with a little frown.

            “Why Ben?” he asked softly. Eli frowned, confused, and Dan made a face. “Um, why did you want to be with Ben?” he asked softly. “What drew you to him, I guess? And made you stay…”

            Eli smiled faintly at the question, running his fingers gently down the man’s back. “Do you want the long or short version?” he asked and Daniel smiled, replying: “I’ve got time. Long version.”

           

            Eli took some time recounting the story of their relationship; from the first time he had accosted Ben in the street until that day, leaving out, of course, the parts he wanted to keep to himself. Daniel would interject and ask questions and Eli would answer, and by the time Eli was done, Dan was smiling faintly.

            “Eli?” he asked, smile changing easily to an uncertain frown. “Why do you think he loves us?” he murmured into his shirt. “When we’re obviously /fucked/ up.”

            Eli frowned, closing his eyes. It was bad enough when he himself thought it, but when there was another person to add to his misunderstanding… he sighed. What had Ben told him when he had questioned?

            “Ben just /loves/, Danny,” he told him quietly. He couldn’t remember what Ben had said beyond that, so he added: “He’s like…Jesus or something, he always forgives you if you ask for it. And he’ll unconditionally love you…I don’t know /why/ he does it, or anything, but he does. Even after all the things I’ve done to him, he’s still with me. He wants to /marry/ me! I don’t know /why/…and I’ve stopped questioning it, really. I just sorta accept it…even though I think he got the short end of the stick on this one…”

            Daniel couldn’t help but laugh at his explanation. “But Eli, its /obvious/ he loves you…” he murmured, and Eli’s brow furrowed. “The first time I met you, I knew he loved you. He was all moony-eyed and swoony. Before you, he was just… Ben-with-another-guy. And then you came along and he was Ben-and-Eli…and that scared me, because I /knew/ he really loved you. I could see the end of the others but I knew this was going to last…and I’d lose him for good.”

            Eli frowned, feeling Dan’s nails in his skin. “I think I always knew I’d lose him…” he mumbled. “I was the first person he told that he was gay, you know,” Dan admitted. “He was in grade ten; I was in grade eight. I guess he never thought high school would change me…we were really close then, still. And he thought he could trust me with that—his biggest secret. Why me?”

            Eli sighed softly, closing his eyes again. Dan pressed close, stomach turning. “I kept it a secret for him. Then in grade ten, when he was in grade twelve, he started tutoring the girl I had a crush on. And I thought he was stealing her from me because he knew I liked her…I don’t even know /why/! He was just helping her in history, that’s it. And I threatened to out him to his friends and the school…and he cried.”

Dan made a face. “I made him /cry/ at school and he kept telling me he was only tutoring her and nothing else and I…I am such an asshole, Eli. He wouldn’t fight me back and when we went home and dad asked what happened, he said they started boxing in gym and he was too pacifistic to punch back. What the hell is that? I beat him up and he didn’t even fucking tell our parents! And he still kept trying to pacify me…he told her he couldn’t tutor her anymore and he let me have her…and she wouldn’t even date me. I hurt him for /nothing/.”

Eli heard him start to sob and he tried to soothe him as the nurse came back in to check on them. She gave Eli a chastising look, as if he had been the one to make Daniel cry, and Eli shook his head back at her while she changed the IV drip and left.

“Eli, I did so much to him!” he said, looking up. Eli nodded knowingly, hugging him back against himself when Dan buried close. “I hated him. So much…because he was /better/ than I am. He /is/ better than I am. And I thought surely, for once, when our parents found out that he was gay, I’d be better than him. At least for a while…and so I always put him down for it and I told him it was wrong and he was gonna go to hell and mom and dad would disown him and he would just smile and tell me as long as he had me, he was okay. As long as /I/ was okay with it.” Eli felt the shudder.

“One time, when our parents went away, I threw a party. He told me I couldn’t and mom and dad would be mad at him for letting me… I told him he could always have friends over too but he kept sayin’ ‘no’. I don’t even know where the fuck I got the idea, but I tied him up in the basement, in the laundry room. It was this huge storage room-laundry room with concrete floors. It was always cold down there. And I left him there…all night. My friends kept going down to get more beer and shit and they’d see him and just laugh…he stopped asking them to help him once they started hitting him and I stopped going down after a while.”

 “We were all /so/ drunk and my parents came home early the next day and I was in shit…and Ben had been down there all night and I couldn’t even tell my parents…my dad didn’t find him ‘til early afternoon and by then Ben was so traumatized…” he gagged at the image of Ben, shaking in his dad’s embrace, bruises on his face and rope-burn on his wrists, sobbing quietly as he was led upstairs and into the bathtub, beyond all embarrassment, not caring that he’d wet himself or that a few of Dan’s friends were still there, snickering at him. And he had been so sick after that, refusing to go to school, refusing to eat.

“God…Eli, I was such a monster…I don’t deserve him, at all. I shouldn’t have asked him to take me to these stupid appointments…he should want me dead! He shouldn’t care what happens to me,” Daniel sobbed. Eli’s stomach turned violently at the things Daniel told him, and he held back his own tears at the thought of him and Ben, Ben tied, crying, begging him to remove the restraints. He gagged himself, feeling Daniel bury closer.

“He didn’t tell my parents ‘til college, ‘cause he was so afraid. And he only told them ‘cause he had a boyfriend and he knew they’d find out sooner or later…and they had been perfectly okay with it, Eli. And he had been /so/ scared, ‘cause I kept telling him they’d disown him. He had a bag packed, ready to leave if he had to…and they were fine with it and he broke down and cried and and…when they asked me if I was okay with it, he told them I had already known…and I told them—I told /him/—that I had never been okay with it…”

He looked up at Eli, his eyes wet with tears. Eli nodded, wanting him to go on. Daniel swiped at his eyes. “You should have seen the look in his eyes. That /destroyed/ him, Eli. I’ve never regretted anything more in my life…I /was/ okay with it! I am! I never had a problem with it, Eli. He’s my brother; I don’t care! I never cared…” he said, very quietly.

“I just thought it’d be easier to lose him when the time came, I guess, if I pushed him away first…I didn’t want to be the one left behind…so I tried to cut all ties and he kept coming back…he was my best friend! I destroyed that because I didn’t want it to hurt as much when he found someone. I moved out and he offered to help me move into my apartment,” Daniel murmured.

“And then I just stopped answering his calls. I was a jerk to him at Christmases and Thanksgivings…and he would still call and invite me over and leave messages on the machine. He wrote me a letter, once, apologizing for whatever it was he had done and asking if I’d forgive him. How the fuck does he do it? After /everything/ I’ve done to him, Eli, how can he still give a crap about what happens to me?”

Eli frowned, letting out a shaky sigh, swiping at his own tears. God, he could understand some of what Daniel was telling him. He was a monster in his own right and Ben wanted to marry him. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, for crying out loud! He was constantly throwing fits, swearing at him, telling him he was a jerk or he was mean for some thing or other; he threw things, wasn’t afraid to hit him, made himself sick, lied to him. He’d nearly /killed/ him, and Ben simply took it all in stride.

Daniel sobbed when the nurse came in to remove the needle and take him to radiation. Eli hugged him supportively before he helped him off the bed and into the wheelchair. “I’ll wait in the waiting room for you, okay? It’s gonna be alright, Danny,” he assured him, and the nurse tousled the man’s hair, promising him it wouldn’t be long before she wheeled him out.

The radiation treatments were shorter than the chemo. Dan was back in less than twenty minutes, wheeled back out, looking more tired and haggard than he had when he had left. Eli got him settled in the car with another box of apple juice and the blanket, taking him back to the apartment. Dan was silent the way home, half-asleep by the time Eli pulled up at the complex.

He helped him up and into bed, where Dan gratefully collapsed and curled up amongst the tangled sheets. Eli hesitated a moment before he sat down, helping Daniel out of his shoes and his pants; Daniel flushed slightly but was too tired to protest, and he was more comfortable when Eli tugged a pair of pajama pants up over his butt anyways.

Dan caught Eli’s hand when his brother’s lover sat down again, and Eli smiled faintly at him. “Neither one of us deserves him,” Eli said quietly, shrugging. Dan nodded, squeezing his hand with a tired sob.

“Ben was reading a book once, about some German-Swiss poet or something like that and when he was at work, I opened it to see what it was all about…and one line stood out and I remember he came home from work and I was crying and he didn’t understand why. I never told him. But this guy had said once that it’s often the most deserving people who can’t help but love the people who destroy them.”

Daniel nodded a little, closing his eyes. Eli continued: “That’s Ben. He’s probably the one person who I think most deserves to be loved…and then people like us come along and he pours all his love and energy into us and he gets fuck-all back. But he loves too much and he thinks he can fix whatever’s wrong…and he keeps trying and he keeps loving and even though he mostly ends up hurt, he doesn’t ever give up. He went to a pride rally once and almost got beat up for trying to help protect some kid from bein’ arrested.”

Dan groaned, nodding. “He’s always getting hurt and he doesn’t care. He could have pressed charges against you or your friends for what you did to him, you know. He could have left me by now. He probably /should/ have. But he would never. No matter what I do, he says he won’t. And I believe him even if I think he’s an idiot.”

Daniel frowned. He buried his face in his pillow, sighing softly. “Will you stay with me?” he asked, very quietly. “I think you know Ben better than I do.” Eli smiled faintly, tousling his hair. “Yeah, sure, Danny.”

Eli called Meg to let her know he wouldn’t be coming back in that afternoon and then he made tea and soup in the little kitchen before he returned back to the bedroom. Daniel was sitting up, and he smiled at Eli gratefully as the man sat back on the bed, offering him a tray.

“Eli, there’s something I want to do…”

…

            When Ben pulled into the driveway, he frowned, wondering which neighbour child had had the audacity to mar his driveway in childish chalk writing. When he got out of the car, however, and not only recognized his lover’s handwriting but the myriad of ‘I love yous’ and ‘I’m sorrys’ and ‘thank yous’ written in various languages, his heart melted.

He stood for a long time in the lane before he finally dragged himself away from it and went inside. As he took his shoes off, he noticed a trail of rose petals leading upstairs and he almost went that way before he spotted the paper trail that led into the living room. He smiled a little, picking up the first folded paper heart.

I’m sorry for swearing at you. I will try harder not to swear. He smiled, reaching for the next one.

I’m sorry I hurt you so much growing up. I wish I could take back every hurtful thing I’ve ever done. He frowned slightly.

The next bunch alternated between Eli and Dan. I love everything about you. I wish I hadn’t pushed you away. I love your nose, Ben, even if you think its ugly. Thank you for being here for me. I can’t wait until our wedding day. I’m sorry I never answered your calls. I’m so glad you think I’m worth it. I miss my best friend.

By the time he made it into the living room, he was crying, holding his little armful of paper hearts. The living room was empty of people; a string of paper hearts was strung from one end of the ceiling to the other and vases full of flowers were lined up across the coffee table, the end tables and the fireplace mantle.

He laughed softly—dark pink roses and pink carnations with a note of gratitude, geraniums for comfort, red chrysanthemums with a heart that screamed ‘I LOVE YOU’ in big letters, purple hyacinth with ‘I’m sorry’ written in sixteen languages, all in different colours. He couldn’t move as he took in the sight of the flowers and the hearts and the notes in his hands.

Eli heard him in the living room from the kitchen and he leaned around the doorway to see if he was coming in search of them. When Ben remained immobile, his brow furrowed and he went out to him instead.

“Benny?” he called and Ben turned, dropping the notes to the ground, crying softly. Eli smiled, head to one side and easily moved into Ben’s arms, hugging him tightly. “Hi, baby,” he breathed. “What’s all this?” Ben asked, snuffling. Eli could feel his heart beating through his jacket and he hugged him tighter still before he shook his head and tugged him into the kitchen.

Dan smiled at him but didn’t move from the stool, and Ben released Eli’s hand to hug his brother. Dan clung to him for a moment. “Feelin’ okay?” Ben asked, and Dan nodded, releasing him.

“Ben,” Eli started. Ben turned to look up at him. “We wanted to say a lot of things to you. Thank you, for one,” he said, handing Ben a single dark pink rose. “For always bein’ there for us and for lovin’ us no matter what we do,” he said, handing him a pink carnation, and then another rose. “And for bein’ so perfect all the time…”

Dan nodded faintly, offering one of the purple hyacinths. Ben took it, clutching the flowers close, brow furrowed as he tried to hide his tears. “And sorry. For how stupid we’ve been, and all the crap we’ve put you through. Especially me,” he whined, squirming in his seat. He handed him another one. “Sorry for not being deserving of everything you have to give.”

 Ben chewed his lip, looking from Eli to Dan and then to the flowers in his hand. Eli smiled a little, taking a step forward. He leaned up to kiss Ben’s cheek gently. “And, Ben,” he said, and Ben shook his head, looking to him. Eli caught his lips in a hard kiss and Ben moaned quietly. Dan grinned.

“And, that we love you,” Eli said quietly. Dan held out a single sunflower, and Ben smiled faintly as he took it from his brother. “In our own ways,” he added, nuzzling Ben’s cheek. Ben turned and kissed his nose. He had read somewhere that sunflowers represented adoration. He kissed Eli again before his lover pulled away and returned, offering a simple tulip.

“Because you’re the best brother, the best friend,” Dan started, and Eli leaned up to kiss him again, pressing the flower into his hands, “and the perfect lover,” he finished. Ben blushed, eyes welling again. Eli hugged him tightly, kissing him again.

“Benny, don’t cry!” he urged, and Ben turned to set the flowers down before he crushed them, pressing Eli against him hard. “I can’t help it! You guys…this is so sweet,” he said. Eli threaded his fingers through his short hair, kissing his nose, running his lips over the crooked scar.

Dan slipped off the stool and Ben watched him move to the stove. He smiled when he saw that they had been cooking—smoked salmon and rice with wine cooling, one of his favourites. He hugged Eli more tightly, kissing his temple.

“Thank you,” he whispered and Eli turned back to kiss him again. Dan looked up and smiled faintly. Ben smiled back, motioning his brother forward, and Dan slunk past Eli and into Ben’s embrace with a blush.

“Thanks, kiddo,” Ben breathed.

…

            Ben took Dan home after their dinner. He came home to a clean kitchen and found his paper hearts in a clear glass bowl on the table beside the vase of selected flowers. He snagged the vase and followed the rose petals upstairs to their bedroom, finding Eli already naked, spread out on the bed, rose petals strewn under and over him. Ben set the vase on the nightstand, grinning at the array before him.

            “Mm, finally,” he purred, snagging a spoonful of chocolate sauce and the whipped cream from the bedside table.

            Eli giggled, squirming, as Ben painted him in his love.

            He still didn’t think he deserved it, but it was too sweet to pass up.