Keirbashed

            They’d been following him for at least three blocks. He could hear their laughter, their taunting catcalls, their footsteps as they hurried to catch him up. He took his cell phone from his pocket, wishing it hadn’t died, wishing he had charged it the night before. Wishing he had called Lee before he left the school.

            He regretted that the most, not calling Lee. His lover would have come to pick him up. He would have told him to wait at the school and he would have been there as soon as he could to pick him up.

But Lee was working the late shift, he reminded himself.

He wouldn’t be able to get him. And he didn’t have money for a cab and their house wasn’t /that/ far from the school, really. Only six or seven blocks and then he would be home and safe.

            He jumped when one of the kids behind him shouted something after him and he tried to walk faster, shaking with fear. He could hear their laughter, their whispers—they were so close. He knew he couldn’t confront them; Keiran was no fighter. And there had to be at least three of them.

            “Hey! Faggot, why don’t you slow the fuck down, eh?” Keir gulped and tried to force his legs to move faster. How the fuck did they know he was gay? Was it written on his back or something? He clutched his books tighter and hurried on, but he didn’t get far before the first one jumped him.

            He shrieked and fought back, dropping his bag and hitting out with one of his heavy textbooks. The kid—probably late teens, anyways—laughed and swung his fist, connecting hard with his jaw. Keiran pulled away and ran, as fast as he could, dropping his books because they only hindered his escape. He didn’t get anywhere before the same kid tackled him to the cement and pinned his arms behind his back, hauling him to his feet.

            “Please, please let me go. I didn’t do anything, I just wanna go home, please,” he begged, struggling in the kid’s grip. He felt a fist connect with his stomach and then another to his ribs and he coughed, still struggling.

            “Please, oww, I just wanna gooo,” he whined, crying softly, but the kid only tightened his grip and the two others laid in on him.

…

            It was past midnight when Keir finally got home. Some Good Samaritan had pulled over and broken up the fight, landing a few hits himself and threatening the kids with charges of assault before they scattered. Keiran had sobbed, coughing up blood and bile and the man had collected his belongings for him, helping him into the car. Keiran resisted at first, shaking and aching all over, but the man finally convinced him to go to the hospital and Keiran had agreed.

            The man had waited with him in the emergency room, asked him for the story, and offered to take him home afterwards. Keir had agreed gratefully until Lee had come out and collected him in his arms and Keir broke down again, sobbing. The man had disappeared back out into the street.

            Lee had Keiran examined right away, standing aside as his lover had been x-rayed and prodded. Two cracked ribs, a missing tooth, a broken finger. There was more blood than anything, scratches and scrapes from the cement, and bruises already forming around his eye and jaw and on his chest. Lee left work early, against Keiran’s protests that he needed to stay, and took his lover home.

            The whole way home, he ranted about the importance of calling home, not walking home alone after his late classes, walking well-lit streets. How careless he had been. How he knew better than that. How disappointed he was. Keiran numbly listened to the scolding, tears glistening on his cheeks, and when they got home, he stiffly made his way upstairs and collapsed on the bed, still in his bloody clothes and dirty shoes.

            Lee forced him up and out of his clothes, threatening corner time and lines. Keiran hiccupped and started sobbing all over again and when Lee tried to collect him in his arms, Keiran pushed him away weakly and staggered out of their room with his blanket and pillow.

            Lee followed.

            “Keiran, come now. Back to bed, please,” he ordered, touching his lover’s arm. Keiran jumped, turning back on him. “N-no, Lee. I don’t wanna sleep with you. You’re being mean,” he whimpered. Lee frowned, brow furrowed, reaching out again.

            “Don’t fucking touch me, Lee. I don’t fucking want you to come near me. You’re being a jerk!” he shouted and Lee released him. Keiran moved away, taking up residence in the guest bedroom, and Lee let him be.

…

            Sometime during the night, Keir woke up crying and turned to hide in Lee’s comforting embrace, but he wasn’t there. He hiccupped and dragged himself out of bed and back to their room, lingering in the doorway uncertainly. Lee sensed him and woke, holding out his arms for him.

            Keir sobbed and went to him, burying himself against the older man. Lee snugged him close, mindful of his aches and kissed him apologetically, soothingly. Keiran sobbed out an apology of his own, begging not to be punished, admitting that he had been stupid. Lee nodded, hugging him tightly, protectively.

            “Shh, baby. Its alright. Its all over, I’ve got you now. I’m not gonna punish you, bunny rabbit. You’re alright, my sweetness,” he promised. Keiran nodded and began to calm, rubbing himself against Lee uncomfortably.

            “I’m s-sorry, Lee. I didn’t mean to get h-hurt,” he wailed, and Lee shook his head, kissing him again. “Shh, its okay, baby. It’s not your fault, Keir. We’ll talk about it in the morning, alright? We’ll talk about it later, shh.”

            Keiran nodded, hooking his arms around Lee’s neck and clinging to him as he let his older lover soothe him into sleep.

…

            Keiran woke to an empty bed and he panicked momentarily until he caught sight of Lee by the window. He took a shaky breath and Lee looked back at him, smiling sympathetically.

            “Hey bunny rabbit. You okay?” he asked, moving back to the bed. Keiran nodded, playing courage he didn’t feel, but as soon as Lee settled on the bed, he clung to him again, tears forming. Lee hugged him close.

            “I’m gonna call Ben later, okay? I don’t think we should go this weekend, brat,” he said. Keiran shook his head against his shoulder.

            “Nooo, Lee! I wanna gooo,” he whined, pulling away slightly. Lee wiped his tears away with a little smile. “I’m okay, Lee, I wanna go,” he said again. Lee kissed his temple, nodding.

            “Okay. We’ll see how you feel come Friday, then. Sh, I’m still gonna call him, though, okay?” Keiran nodded miserably and clung to him again, breathing shakily.

           

            Keiran listened to his lover as he made the phone call, curled back up in bed by himself, Lee’s hand moving on his back. He was fine. He was gonna be okay, for Lee. He wasn’t going to let himself be a disappointment.

…

            By Friday, Keiran had convinced Lee that he was well enough to go. Physically, the trip wouldn’t hurt him. Emotionally, maybe a little more. He was still jumpy and anxious and hated when Lee left him alone, but he never admitted it. He assured Lee that it was alright to go back to work, that he could handle things on his own at home.

            He didn’t tell him that he wasn’t eating, that he didn’t answer the phone or the door. He hadn’t gone outside except to let Chester out, and even then he had stood in the threshold of the doorway and watched the little dog as it went about its business in the yard. He hadn’t been sleeping at night, either, but he was making up for it during the day.

            Lee had everything packed for a weekend away and Keiran was anxious to get going. He slept nearly the whole way there, his sketchpad unopened in his lap. Lee worried a little, but once they had arrived, Keiran was bouncy and excited and Lee started to think maybe the trip was a good idea.

            Eli bounded down the stairs at the knock and swung the door open with an excited “HI!” and Keiran jumped, latching onto Lee. Eli gave him a look, brow furrowed with upset and distaste at the greeting he received in return. Lee tugged him close for a hug, though, and Eli was over it in a minute, dragging Keir into the house. Lee followed with a little laugh and Ben emerged from the kitchen to greet them both.

            “You guys know where the guest room is,” he said, hugging Keiran despite his resistance and the man finally relaxed in Ben’s hug and hugged him back a little. Lee ruffled the man’s hair and sent him into the kitchen with Ben while Eli helped lug their bags upstairs.

            Keiran shakily settled on one of the barstools, watching Ben with a tentative smile. Ben started tea and offered a plate of cookies, which Keiran immediately accepted with a happier smile. By the time Lee and Eli returned, Keiran was laughing at something Ben had mentioned and Lee gave him an appreciative smile.

            Keir leaned into Lee when his lover approached and Lee kissed the top of his head. “How about you and Eli go find something fun to do while Ben and I make lunch?” he suggested, and Keir stiffened momentarily, looking at Eli apprehensively.

            “L-Lee? Can I just s-stay here with you?” he asked quietly. Lee sighed, smoothing his hair back.

            “No, brat. Go on. Go find something to do, please,” he said, a warning in his tone and Keir frowned, sliding off the stool to go with Eli. He didn’t want Lee upset with him. Eli gave him a smile, and Keiran let Eli lead him out to the living room.

            Lee sighed again, leaning back against the counter near Ben. He accepted the mug of tea Ben offered him with a smile.

            “We would have understood had you guys stayed home,” Ben said quietly. “He looks terrible.” Lee nodded, glancing towards the living room over the island counter. Keir was sitting cross-legged on the floor, Eli stretched out on the couch, showing him a photo album of their trip to Hawaii. Keir was smiling, though it looked forced.

            “He insisted he was alright, Ben,” Lee told him, looking back. “Every time I suggested we cancel, he’d cry. I know I shouldn’t let him get away with it, but I don’t want him to be upset. He was so scared, Ben. He still hasn’t told me what happened. I don’t want to force him into anything, but God, I want to know. I want to press charges. But I have to let him tell me in his own time, you know?” he said.

            Ben gave Lee a hug as he passed him and Lee leaned into him for a moment before he let Ben move away to start on lunch. “He’ll tell you when he’s ready. Until then, keep him in line but don’t force anything. If he’s upset or scared, he’s not going to listen to you. Don’t punish him for anything if you can help it. He needs time to absorb and deal with this.”

            Lee nodded and as Ben set to making lunch, he turned his attention back on the living room to watch his lover.

…

            Ben suggested a walk sometime after lunch and they ended up in the forest preserve for over two hours, exploring and hiking. Keiran seemed a little more at ease after a while, though he still jumped when he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. But he was warming, skipping ahead with Eli for a while and searching for acorns and leaves amongst the trees.

            By the time they got home, it was nearly four in the afternoon. Eli convinced Keir to play a board game and coerced Ben and Lee into joining them, so they set down to play Trivial Pursuit on the living room floor. Keiran tired of it quickly and abandoned ship, crawling away. Lee caught his ankle and tugged him back, laughing, but Keiran shrieked, not finding it funny and kicked Lee hard before he scrambled to his feet and stalked off, rubbing his side.

            “Keiran!” Lee called, just before his lover disappeared up the stairs, and Ben held out a hand for him, shaking his head. Lee rubbed his chest where Keir had kicked him and gave Ben a look.

            “I know. He’s not allowed to hit or kick. I know. But he was scared, Lee. Let him go.” Eli looked to the stairs and made to follow his friend but Ben tugged him back into his arms and kissed him soundly.

            “You’re staying here, too, brat,” he said softly. “Let him go. He’ll come back down when he wants to.”

            Eli squirmed out of Ben’s grasp with a nod, trusting his lover’s judgement, and resumed the game.

            It was nearly half an hour later that Keiran returned. He was standing at the landing, shaking slightly until he finally sat down. “Ben?” he called tentatively. “Ben, can you come here?” he called.

            Lee gave Ben a look, slightly envious and un-amused, but Ben only shook his head and got up. When he arrived at the bottom of the stairs, Keiran hiccupped and started crying and Ben ascended the stairs to sit by him. Keir turned and buried himself in his arms and Ben hooked him close, rubbing his back soothingly.

            “Ben, he hates me,” he said, very quietly. “H-he wants me to b-be stronger, but I don’t know how,” he wailed. Ben could hear Lee and Eli downstairs, still playing the game without him, and he tugged Keiran to his feet and led him upstairs, back to the guest room.

            “Come on, kiddo. You know that’s not true,” he assured him as he settled him back in bed. Keiran watched him as Ben went around the room, picking up the young man’s discarded clothes and books and shutting the blinds. All his movements were slow, easy. He knew Keir wasn’t doing well with any fast movements. He sat on the edge of the bed and Keiran moved closer to hug him gratefully.

            “Do you think he still wants me, Ben?” he asked, very softly. Ben nodded, tousling his hair as he hugged him back.

            “I know he does. He said so, Keiran. And Lee always tells the truth, doesn’t he?” he said. Keiran mouthed a yawn against Ben’s shoulder and nodded before he wriggled away and snuggled under the covers. Ben rubbed his back until he felt the young man’s breathing change and he sighed and left him there to sleep.

            Lee met him at the bottom of the stairs with a frown. Ben smiled sympathetically. “He’s alright, Lee. He’s sleepin’ now. He was scared and he’s worried that you hate him, but he’s okay. You guys should talk when he wakes up.”

            Lee nodded, knowing Ben was likely right.

            “I’m gonna make supper in about an hour. If you want to catch some sleep, I don’t think he’s gonna mind a cuddle,” he suggested. Lee smiled, heading up the stairs. Ben collapsed on the couch where Eli quickly joined him, tugging the throw blanket down over them. Ben hooked his lover close, kissing his hair.

            “Is Keir alright, Ben?” he asked quietly. Ben nodded, sighing softly as Eli’s hands worked from his shoulders to his chest and down, over his sides. Eli smiled happily, nuzzling Ben gently.

            “Yeah, babe. He’s okay,” he promised.

…

            When Keiran rolled into Lee’s embrace, he started awake with a gasp. Lee woke up, hooking him back against him and Keir struggled for a moment before he relaxed into his hug.

            “Its okay, bunny rabbit. It’s just me, baby. I’ve got you, you’re safe,” he promised. Keir took a shaky breath and nodded, glancing at the clock. Lee tried to hook him back against him, but Keir squirmed away with a yawn.

            “It’s gonna be supper soon, Lee,” he said quietly, by way of explanation, and Lee sighed and got up to follow his lover downstairs. He caught his arm on the way down and Keir turned to look up at him, eyes wide, brow furrowed. Lee gave him a smile, stepping down one more step to kiss him gently.

            “We can talk about it, you know. We can press charges or I can find them and beat them until they’ve got permanent brain damage. You don’t have to let them go, Keir,” he said softly. Keiran leaned into his hug with a small sigh.

            “Okay, Lee. You beat them up for me, then,” he murmured, sarcastic and quiet, before he pulled away from his lover and made his way down the stairs.

            Ben looked up when Keiran passed through to the living room and he watched him go until he heard Lee’s footsteps following. He gave the older man a small smile and Lee settled on one of the bar stools, arms crossed.

            “He won’t even talk to me, Ben. He’s avoiding it,” he said quietly. Ben looked out to the living room, watching Keiran for a moment as Eli danced across the room. Keiran didn’t even laugh when his lover tripped over the coffee table and fell; he sort of just winced and smiled.

            “Give him time, Lee.”

…

            Supper was nothing special and Keiran managed to worm his way out of an early bedtime, though Lee knew he needed it, especially when his lover fell asleep halfway through the movie they had all sat down to watch. He didn’t wake either, and Lee simply carried him upstairs.

            Sometime during the night, Keir went to use the bathroom. Eli chose the same time to act on his own full bladder and trailed into the bathroom in the dark. Keir’s scream woke both Ben and Lee.

            Ben made it to the bathroom first, tugging his lover out and turning the light on in the process. Eli was trying to calm Keiran, but the younger man was past hysterics and had backed himself up against the far corner, squished behind the toilet.

Eli was babbling, trying to tell Ben what had happened and Lee moved into the bathroom to collect his sobbing lover. Keiran struggled against Lee’s grip until he eventually conceded and collapsed into his arms with a whimper, and Ben hooked Eli close and dragged him off back to bed.

“I wasn’t doin’ anything, Ben, I just needed to pee!” he swore, and Ben nodded knowingly, forcing him back into bed despite his still-full bladder. Eli wriggled uncomfortably but waited until he knew Lee had coaxed Keir back to bed to go to the bathroom again.

They’d only been asleep a few hours when Keiran woke them all again, a nightmare this time, and Ben let Lee deal with it, getting up to silently close their door and turn the radio on low as he hugged Eli back against him and soothed him back into sleep.

…

            Ben let Eli sleep a while longer when the alarm went off in the morning, rolling away to make breakfast. Lee was still in bed, but he found Keiran downstairs in the living room. He made enough noise to let the younger man know he was there and when he finally did make his way into the living room, he noticed that Keir was asleep on the couch, curled up in an uncomfortable position.

He smiled faintly and carefully readjusted him, covered him with the blanket, and disappeared into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. When Lee joined him, Ben handed him a mug of coffee and Lee sipped it appreciatively.

“I’m sorry you guys were kept up last night,” he apologized. Ben shook his head faintly. “Eli and I have been through similar, after the accident. I don’t think either one of us slept well for at least a week afterwards. He still has nightmares sometimes about it,” he said with a one-shouldered shrug.

“It’s going to take time, Lee. You can’t expect him to bounce back in a few days. He’s hurt, not just physically. He’s afraid he’s disappointing you. You need to let him know you’ve got everything under control or he’s gonna spiral out and you’re gonna lose him.”

Lee’s brow furrowed and he finished his coffee in a few swigs, looking to the living room. “He’s afraid of /me/, Ben. He jumps every time I come near him. Its like he’s afraid I’m gonna hit him or something. Fuck. He goes to you before he comes to me. I don’t think coming here was a good idea. He doesn’t know what to think…he’s scared and he’s confused…” Lee sighed, setting the mug down on the counter.

“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted quietly. Ben nodded at that confession, setting his own mug down. Lee turned to look at him and Ben smiled sympathetically at the tears he saw in Lee’s eyes.

“Let him come to you, Lee. I know it’s hard and its scary, but you have to let him figure things out on his own. He’s /scared shitless/, about everything—the fight, disappointing you. If he’s anything like Eli, he’s going through scenarios in his head, thinking the worst. You have to let him come to you. Take it slow. Be gentle with him. If he wants to cuddle, make time for it. If he wants space, give it to him. Don’t force him to talk; he will when he’s ready, when the worst possible scenario he can come up with seems worth it to allow himself to lift that burden. Don’t punish him physically if you can help it. He won’t equate that with discipline, not for a while. He won’t understand. Give him lines, corner time, make him write in a journal or something. Don’t be overbearing to the point where he retreats into himself. Let him dictate the terms for a while, but keep him in control at the same time.”

Lee was nodding, swiping at his eyes, and Ben smiled when he saw Keiran rise off the couch, the blanket wound around his shoulders. He motioned to the young man and Lee turned, collecting his lover against himself with a shaky laugh.

“Morning, bunny rabbit,” he purred. Keiran mouthed a yawn against his shoulder and hugged him tightly.

“Bed?” he suggested tiredly and Lee nodded, giving Ben an appreciative, thankful smile over his lover’s head before he pulled him away and led him to the stairs.

…

            By early afternoon, Keiran and Eli were getting restless. Lee had suggested they play a game and Ben searched through the games they had in the living room while Eli leaned against the island counter and watched him. Lee settled on the couch, watching Keir as he sought out a drink from the fridge.

            Keir was lost in his own world when the cat rubbed against his leg and he screeched, dropping the glass. It shattered against the tile floor while at the same time he kicked out, sending the little cat about three feet back and two feet up with a loud meow.

            Eli and Lee moved at the same time, Eli to scoop the cat up with a glare at the younger man. “What the fuck, you moron! He’s just a fucking kitten, don’t fucking /kick/ him, you idiot!” Lee’s movements were a little more forceful; he was at Keir’s side in a few seconds and had swatted him hard more than once before he realized what he was doing. Ben hadn’t moved.

            Keir looked from Eli to Lee, tears forming, before he just collapsed amongst the shattered glass, gagging. Lee tried to pull his shaking form back up from the floor but Keiran resisted, pressing himself against the counter, not noticing the glass as it cut him. Ben moved to Eli’s side and tugged his lover out of the kitchen.

            “Up, Keiran, /now/. I’ve had enough of this. You’re embarrassing me,” he said quietly, but Keiran only huddled further into himself, moaning. “Nooo, Lee, you hate me, you don’t want me, I don’t wanna see you.”

            Ben turned Eli in the direction of the stairs. “Up, now, brat,” he said, and Eli gave Keiran a slightly less anger-filled glare, slightly concerned, before he darted for the stairs with the cat still in his arms. Ben moved carefully into the kitchen, settling on the floor amongst the shattered glass, shaking his head at Lee. The older man frowned and released his lover, uncertain.

            “Hey Keiran. Can you look at me, kiddo?” Ben said quietly. Keiran looked up at him after a moment, his cheeks tear-stained, eyes red. Ben gave him a little smile. “Its kinda silly to be sitting in here, don’tcha think?” he asked and Keiran shook slightly as he nodded.

            Ben offered a hand. “Wanna come sit with me in the living room, then?” he asked softly and Keir sniffled and shakily crawled out of the mess and into Ben’s lap, burying his face against his chest. Ben hugged him tightly, easily lifting him from the floor as he stood and Keiran trailed him into the living room.

            Lee settled back on the couch at one end, Ben and Keiran at the other. Keiran refused to look at Lee, starting to cry again as Ben tugged him down into his lap, running his fingers over his back.

            “Ben, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break the glass or kick the cat or make everybody hate me,” he wailed. “I don’t want you to be mad at me, Ben, I’m sorry, I’ll clean up the glass and I’ll buy you a new set and I’ll apologize to the c-cat! And, and Eli. And I’m s-sorry, Ben.”

            Ben hugged him, shushing him reassuringly. Lee looked crestfallen at the other end of the couch and Ben gave him a little nod. Lee looked away. “Alright, Keiran. It’s okay. I think the cat likely just has a bruised ego. Didn’t look like he landed on his feet,” he teased, smoothing the man’s hair. “And Eli’ll get over it. He can’t be angry for long, you know. I’m not mad at you though. Accidents happen. There’s no need to buy us a new set of glasses and I can clean that up, no worries. I’m not mad, alright?”

            Keiran nodded faintly against his chest, snuggling closer, still shaking. “Ben?” he whispered hoarsely and Ben hooked him close, one arm around his waist, rubbing his lower back with the other hand. Lee sighed quietly and Ben looked over Keir’s head at the older man. Lee frowned, not sure what to do. Ben wasn’t supposed to be the one comforting his lover and yet Keiran wouldn’t come to him.

            Ben gave him a little, apologetic smile. Keiran was frightened, that much was obvious. Of Lee, of the situation. Ben knew how the kid was feeling—he’d felt it enough in his own life. But unlike Ben, Keiran didn’t have the inner compass to guide him in his actions and Lee wasn’t doing things the way Keir needed them done. Ben knew Lee hated it, but he didn’t know what else to do but show the older man how to do things. Keiran was used to a firm hand and Lee was good for that when it was needed, but Keiran needed comfort and understanding now, not Lee’s firmness. 

Keiran shifted against Ben and Ben hugged him tightly. “Ben? C-can I go upstairs?” he asked, very quietly. Lee shook his head, about to speak, but Ben cut him off. “Yeah, kiddo. Go on upstairs for a bit. Send Eli down for me?” he suggested. Keiran nodded and slid away from Ben, turning on the couch to look at Lee for a moment. Lee’s brow was furrowed, uncertain and looking scared himself, and Keiran crawled into his arms and kissed him, hard.
           

“Please don’t hate me, Lee?” he whispered, but before Lee could respond, he was up and hurrying out of the living room. Ben watched Lee until the older man looked up at him and Ben noticed the tears. He scooted closer and hugged him and Lee buried his face in Ben’s shoulder until he heard Eli’s footsteps on the stairs and he pulled away, swiping his eyes.

Eli handed Ben the cat with a huff. “Keiran said you wanted me?” he said. Ben hugged the squirming cat for a moment before he released it and it ran away with a happy meow. Eli flopped between Ben and Lee on the couch, looking at Lee with a frown.

“I just wanted you to come down here. I expect he apologized?” he said softly. Eli nodded slightly. “Yeah, to me, and the kitten,” he said, playing with the hem of his shirt. “Want me to clean up the glass, Ben?” he suggested, and Ben nodded a little. Eli sighed, standing to stretch before he leaned back and kissed Ben gently.

“He’s not your lover, you know,” he said, jealousy and uncertainty in his voice, and Ben tugged his lover down and kissed him with force, running a hand over Eli’s butt. “I love you, Eli,” he promised, and Eli nodded faintly, burying himself close for a moment before he finally pulled away. Lee gave Eli a smile, miles away, and Eli leaned down to hug him before he headed for the kitchen to tidy up the mess.

Lee looked to Ben.

“I don’t hate him,” he said quietly. He looked away a moment, to the sounds of Eli sweeping up the glass, and then back to Ben. “I don’t. I could never. This isn’t his fault, Ben!” he said quietly. Ben nodded, just slightly.

“Why won’t he talk to me?  I don’t understand why he’s afraid. What could be so terrible that he can’t even tell me about it?” he said quietly. Ben only shook his head, unable to answer that question.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Lee, other than he’ll tell you in time. You /have to/ take things as they come. He’s never been so scared, that much is obvious. Let him dictate the terms. He needs you to go easy on him.”

Lee clenched and unclenched his fists and nodded. Ben watched him stand and he gave him a tentative smile. “I need to go somewhere. Do you mind?” he asked. Ben shook his head.

“The forest’s always nice to walk and think in,” he suggested. “Or you could drive to a park.” Lee nodded faintly, moving towards the door. Ben sighed and buried his face in his hands, running his fingers through his hair. He heard Eli moving towards him and he caught his lover between his legs and hugged him tightly, face buried against his stomach. Eli ran his fingers through his hair.

“Need anything, Ben Ben?” he asked, leaning down to kiss him gently. Ben shrugged, and then seemed to change his mind and he nodded. “Yeah, you,” he said, tone low and feral and Eli grinned and followed his lover to the office.

It was fast and hard but Eli didn’t mind, and Ben held him close afterwards, breathing deeply. Eli’s fingers on his back were a comfort and he sighed and relaxed into his touch. Eli breathed into his hair, snuggling him close on the little couch.

“He’s really scared, isn’t he Ben?” Eli asked quietly. Ben didn’t answer for a while, and Eli kept up the rhythmic motions over his back and shoulders. Eli kissed his hair. “He’s afraid of what Lee’s gonna think, isn’t he?” he asked. Ben nodded faintly, kissing Eli’s chest.

He finally spoke. “Lee’s hard on Keiran, Eli. I know you think I can be hard on you at times, but Lee expects a lot more than I expect from you, I think,” he said softly. “And Keir’s young. He pretty much worships the ground Lee walks on. I shouldn’t tell you this, Eli, but…when Keir was younger, he was into some pretty heavy stuff. He’s naïve, in a lot of ways.“

“He used to be into some BDSM stuff, outside of the discipline. He was into scenes, you know. Clubs and stuff. And he was with some pretty cruel guys who expected a lot of things from him. Lee told me he used to thank him for punishments when they were first together. And although Lee’s strict with him, he’s nothing like the scene-Tops Keiran was with before. But Keir…he thinks he has to do exactly what his Top says. Or any Top for that matter. It’s why he listens to me.”

Eli nodded a little and Ben sighed, stroking his side gently. “Sometimes he gets in that mindset. Lee’s been working him out of it since they’ve been together, but he’s still young. And he still thinks everything Lee says or thinks is the only way things can be. He might not like it but he’d do anything Lee asked him to do. If Lee told him he’d jump off a bridge right after him, Keiran would trust that he would and wouldn’t hesitate to jump.”

Eli made a face at that example. “He’s not stupid; he’s just too trusting. And too easily controlled. He /likes/ giving away control, even if he rails against it. But he doesn’t know the limits, even though they’ve been at it longer. He’s a lot more of a Brat than you are, Eli. And what Lee says is word, no matter what it is. He tries to live up to what he thinks Lee expects, which isn’t as high as he seems to think. If Lee is disappointed in him, he’s devastated. He doesn’t know how to fix that, besides to cry or break down or act out until Lee punishes him. That way he knows he’s getting attention, even if it’s not the right kind of attention.”

“And Lee’s used to that—he understands Keir’s need for attention and comfort and he’s willing to give it to him. But he doesn’t understand this. Keiran’s acting out because he wants Lee to be there. Plain and simple, he needs to know Lee’s there and will be there no matter what. But Lee’s so used to taking him in hand as soon as he acts out that that’s what he thinks Keiran needs now…but it only scares him more and he only acts out more and then retreats further into himself the more Lee tries to force him back. Because what he needs isn’t guidance. It’s freedom. He just needs the freedom to say ‘no’ for once, to retreat somewhere and draw or sleep and try to make sense of things on his own or to come to Lee when he needs him, for whatever he needs him for. It’s not a manipulation. It’s just the way he’s processing things. Lee’s trying to force him to process things faster than Keir knows how and it’s scaring him; he is trying to do what Lee wants but doesn’t know how. And Lee’s disappointment is killing him.”

Eli stroked Ben’s hair back and Ben moaned into the touch, kissing Eli’s chest again. Eli lulled Ben into a state of half-sleep; Ben relaxed against him with a happy moan. When he felt his breathing even out, Eli kissed the top of his head gently.

“I love you, Ben,” he murmured against his hair. Ben sighed, nodding as he wound an arm around Eli’s waist and snuggled close, falling into an easy sleep.

…

            Ben woke to quiet voices. He stretched, feeling Eli’s thigh against his foot. Eli rubbed his foot soothingly, but Ben was awake enough not to be easily put back to sleep. He yawned and opened an eye and Keiran gave him a tentative smile. Ben started to sit up.

            “I’m sorry, Ben,” he said softly and Ben shook his head, sitting himself up all the way with another yawn. Eli snuggled back against Ben, kissing his jaw. Keiran moved from foot to foot, frowning, his sketchbook in his hand, and Ben sighed. He felt Eli shift away with another gentle kiss and then Keiran was in his arms, hugging him.

            Ben shifted back against the couch with the young man clinging to him. He heard Eli close the door to the office and Keiran pulled back a little, pushing the sketchpad into Ben’s hands.

            “I can’t show Lee, Ben. I can’t. I-I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he said, tears forming. Ben opened the sketchpad and flipped through it. The first few were dated, a few days before the accident, sketches of flowers and Lee playing rugby, dirt smeared on one cheek. Ben smiled, flipping again.

The next few weren’t dated. One was a drawing of a stick figure, his fingers long and bleeding into the page, eyes blank, mouth open as if screaming. One page was covered in scratched out half-drawings, as if Keir had tried to start something but never could finish it. Ben looked up at the man and Keiran frowned, brow furrowing and looked away.

“I can’t talk to him,” he whispered as Ben turned to the last page. It was the only full drawing that Keiran had finished, it appeared. Ben frowned. It was an abstract image, a self-portrait of Keiran, hiding in a corner of what appeared to be a room, his hands over his ears, eyes closed, as words and images in a cloud of black engulfed him. Ben could see the words ‘faggot’, ‘queer’, ‘undeserving’, and ‘hate’ along one wall, with ‘embarrassment’, ‘disappointing’ and ‘Lee’ crawling along the opposite.

Ben’s frown deepened and Keiran squirmed beside him on the couch. “Ben, I can’t talk to him. He doesn’t understand. I don’t know how to tell him, Ben! I don’t know how to tell anybody…I don’t even know what h-happened half the time myself. I don’t know if I’m supposed to let it go and forget about it and go on or if Lee wants me to tell him or press charges or, or talk to the police. I don’t know! And I can’t figure out anymore if it’s all just part of the big picture and it was supposed to happen…maybe I deserve it, Ben, ‘cause I’m so fucked up. And maybe Lee doesn’t even care and I don’t want him to not care. I want him to care, Ben!”

            Ben nodded, laying a calming hand on Keir’s arm. Keiran looked up at him, looking devastated, eyes red, tears marring his cheeks. He looked so small, so unsure, and Ben gave his hand a squeeze as Keiran clasped it.

            “No, Keiran. You don’t /deserve/ something like that. Nobody does, Keir,” he said, voice low and soothing. Keiran was shaking slightly. “Lee /does/ care, Keiran. He doesn’t understand, that’s all,” he said. Keiran swiped at his eyes.

            “Ben, he /hates/ me. H-he spanked me and I didn’t m-mean to drop the glass! He didn’t even tell me /why/, he just hit me!” he whined. Ben nodded, tugging him back down onto the couch when Keiran tried to pull away to pace.

            “Lee doesn’t hate you. Not at all, Keiran. I know he spanked you without thinking, kiddo, but it was just that—he /wasn’t/ thinking. He’s scared, Keiran, and he probably doesn’t want me to be telling you this, but he doesn’t know what to do. He wants you to tell him—and I think you should. Write it down, draw it out, or just tell him, Keiran. I know it’s hard and you don’t understand it, but he has no idea what happened, at all. You haven’t told him anything, have you?”

            Keiran pouted, shaking his head. “You’ve told me more than you’ve told Lee, kiddo, and he doesn’t like that. /I/ don’t like that. Of course I want you to be able to come to me to talk about anything, but you haven’t given Lee a chance, at all. He’s not used to this, Keiran. You’re hurt and you’re avoiding him… it’s not something he’s easily dealing with.”

            Keiran nodded faintly and looked up at Ben with an attempt at a small smile. Ben returned it helpfully and Keiran breathed deeply. “I love him, Ben,” he murmured, very quietly. “I don’t want him to think I’m a disappointment. I’ve always ever only disappointed people. My parents, my friends, my teachers, my other lovers. But Lee’s different. I /really/ care, Ben, about what he thinks. And I try really hard, so hard, Ben. I know I’m bad and I need him to discipline me and I don’t want any other Top but Lee, but Ben, I’m still scared. Sometimes, I forget what I’m doing and I think he’s one of my scene-Tops who I used to hang around with and he doesn’t like that, Ben. He’s /amazing/. He knows exactly what I need before I do, Ben, but…I don’t know. I’m not amazing. I’m little and stupid and too skinny and I’m not brave and its taken me soo long to figure out what I wanna do with my life and he’s just there, helping me no matter what and I don’t /deserve him/. Ben…” he frowned and lowered his eyes to Ben’s hands, which were holding his. “Ben, I think, if I had died, that would have been better,” he said, quietly.

            Ben heard a shuffle of feet in the hallway and he was close to telling Eli to quit eavesdropping when Lee gave in to his curiosity and came into the office, face wet with tears. Keiran looked up at him with a frightened, uncertain frown, moving closer to Ben for one hesitating moment before he launched himself at Lee and the older man dragged him down to the ground, into his lap, hugging him tightly.

“Keiran, my baby, I’ve got you now, it’s alright,” Lee promised, Keiran sobbed loudly in his arms as Lee rocked him against his strong chest. “I want to know, bunny rabbit, please, I want you to talk to me,” he breathed and Keiran nodded against his shoulder.

Ben quietly got up and slipped from the room, closing the door behind him. Eli was in the living room, hugging a pillow to himself. Ben settled on the couch and Eli pushed under his arms and plastered himself against his lover.

“Lee made me tell him where you were. He knew I was lyin’ when I said you two went out, Ben, I’m sorry,” he mumbled, and Ben shook his head, kissing the man’s temple. Eli looked up when he felt his lover’s sigh.

Ben gave him a smile, hugging him tightly as he ran one hand gently over his back. “It’s alright, Eli. They need to talk,” he said. Eli nodded, kissing Ben’s jaw gently, jealously.

“I missed you,” he whispered and felt Ben’s laughter in his chest.

“Bed?” he suggested and Eli was up and heading for the stairs in seconds. Ben followed.

…

            Eli looked up when the door opened and glared into the darkness, pressing close to Ben again with a tired groan. Ben hooked him close, waking slightly. ‘It had better not be Keiran again,’ Eli thought enviously.

            “Ben?” it was Lee. Eli relaxed a little bit and snuggled closer, satisfied that nobody would be stealing his lover from him again. Ben stroked his back in lazy circles. “Yes?”

            “Ben, we’re gonna head home. Keiran’s exhausted and we still have some talking to do, but he wants to go home. He asked me to thank you, both of you, for having us and for talking to him, Ben. But he didn’t want to come back up; he figured you’d be sleeping. I’m sorry we bothered you guys this weekend, especially you Eli. I know this wasn’t your idea of a fun-filled visit. Next time we come up, I promise we’ll be better guests,” he said softly and Eli laughed a little, crawling away from Ben to hug Lee.

            “It’s okay, Lee. Don’t trade him in, though, even if he is a pain,” he teased and Lee chuckled, hugging him back tightly before he moved to give Ben a quick hug. “Nah, I think I’ll keep him awhile longer,” he said, smiling.

            “I’ll give you a call when we get home, alright? Thank you again,” he said and Eli waved as Lee disappeared, shutting the door and enveloping the room in darkness again. He settled back against Ben with a happy sigh and Ben pinned him against himself, one leg hooked through Eli’s.

            “Maybe next time, Ben, Lee and I will hook up and make you two jealous,” he teased. Ben bit his shoulder, squeezing him close with a warning growl. Eli giggled and kissed his forehead before he settled down to sleep.

…

            Halfway home, Lee turned to look at his sleeping lover. He smiled, touching his knee gently. Keiran made a noise in his sleep, turned to face Lee, eyes opened to half-lid and smiled sleepily. Lee murmured a quiet “hi” and Keiran nodded, tangling his fingers in his lover’s.

            “Iloveyou,” he mumbled. Lee’s smile widened as his lover drifted easily back into sleep. “I love you, too, my bunny rabbit.”